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Judaism has gone from right to left. This is not about a move from conservative to liberal, Conservative to Reform, or from the exit lane to the carpool lane while cutting off three middle lanes of traffic.

This isn't even about Judaism's nomadic trek through the centuries, gradually moving from the Middle East (right), to the west (left) into Europe, to the farther west (North America), and finally the Wild, Wild West (after a left at Albuquerque).

This is about the direction in which Hebrew has always been read. Until now.

"It appears that most of the rest of the world reads their languages from left to right," says Yamina Smollen, the head of the Institute for Jewish Direction. "We're behind the times."

It's true. Most languages are read from left to right. Let's illustrate:

.wardback be not would this, right to left not were lishEng If .Yoda like speak you lessUn

See? Or here's a more extreme example:

.Elpmaxe emertxe erom A

To keep up with the times, the Institute has instituted that Judaism adopt a more left-to-right way of thinking.

"It's not about assimilation," said Smollen. "It's just about trying to adapt how we live and what we do so we fit in better with the world around us."

Informed of the potential for controversy on this point, Smollen continued, "Did anybody cry assimilation when Chanukah was scheduled this year to start the night of Christmas, just so we could take advantage of the after-Christmas sales?"

Of course, this will change the face of Hebrew publications everywhere, creating a financial windfall for Hebrew publishers worldwide.

"Everyone would need new books," according to E. Paron, president of the Coalition for Hebraic Publishers (CHiPs). "We're all for it, except for that Estrada guy."

And the computer software industry applauds the switch. "A new copy of every piece of software we've sold in Israel and to Hebrew-speakers worldwide? That's wonderful news," said Microsoft founder Bill Gates.

"We have a tremendous number of new bugs... I mean features that we'd love to introduce at the same time. It's part of our new initiative for intelligent design."

There is a significant question regarding what to do about Torahs. Would there be a move to restructure these holiest of sacred texts?

"That's a difficult question," says Smollen. "We're leaning toward leaving them as is. People would have to continue learning to read just the Torah right-to-left, just like they acquire the skill to chant it without the notes, punctuation, vowels, or often any idea what they're saying.

"We're investigating the rumors that, if the Torah is read from left to right, the result can sound like satanic messages. So far we've found nothing conclusive, though a couple of sections of Leviticus chanted this way do sound remarkably similar to 'I Am the Walrus'."

Of course, some traditionalists are outraged by the notion of switching Hebrew from right-to-left to left-to-right. Unfortunately, because their comments were submitted in right-to-left, they cannot be included in this report.

Some rabbinic scholars, who insist on not being named in this report, say that if pressured there might be a small room for compromise.

"One possibility," said anonymous rabbi number one, from the small room, "is that the words could go left-to-right but the letters would continue to go right to left."

"That's ridiclous," said anonymous rabbi number two. "If we absolutely must we could have the language go left to right but continue to have our printed materials still begin with the back cover, so the pages still go from right to left."

"You're both right," said anonymous rabbi number three, "and you're both wrong."

"Okay, so I'm wrong," replied rabbi number one, "but hear me out anyway!"

This debate is sure to take the Jewish world by storm. A storm that, if normal non-hurricane weather patterns hold true, will move in from left to right. Some say this is the most symbolic sign of all.

"If the force of nature, which is of course guided by the will of the Big G, guides weather patterns to move from left to right," said anonymous rabbi number three-point-five, "we are left with the clear direction to write from left to right and not write right to left. Right?"

Doug Brook is a senior technical writer in Silicon Valley whose columns, when read from right to left, are rumored to sound like Barry Manilow lyrics. For more information, past columns, and other writings, visit his website at http://carfax.cnc.net/.