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"Demented News" in Real Audio!
"Demented News" Reports in RealAudio!

UPDATED 11/8/09

Complete "Demented News" reports are STREAMING in RealAudio!
Here's an archive of requested favorites and recent reports.


THIS WEEK'S "DEMENTED NEWS" REPORT IS HERE!
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THE MOST REQUESTED "DEMENTED NEWS"! LISTEN!
Warning! It's a Whimsical Will tirade!!

ANOTHER RECENT "DEMENTED NEWS" LISTEN!
The oh-so-demented tale of dueling talking poo!

"DEMENTED NEWS" REQUEST LISTEN!
This one's for Roadrunner of San Diego, CA: Paramount sues author over book, "How to Have a Romantic Relationship with a 'Star Trek' Fan"; Klingon language lessons revisted; and a 9-year-old Whimsical Will voices the role of "Young Spock"!

"DEMENTED NEWS" FAVORITE! LISTEN!
Not one, but TWO (count 'em!) stories of exploding toilets and news of extended-life underwear with THREE (count 'em!) leg holes!

"DEMENTED NEWS" REQUEST! LISTEN!
Dementoid Matt requested this report from April, 1995, which features a young Whimsical Will as "Christopher Robin"!

"DEMENTED NEWS" REQUEST! LISTEN!
Dementoid Deven Combs requested this report from 1998 on the changing value of pi!

REQUEST -- "ROCK RAP" LISTEN!
Okay, so it's not a "Demented News" report, but long-time Dementoid Benn Allen was kind enough to remember my "Rock Rap" from 1987 (which tells a twisted tale using more than 200 names of rock artists), so I thought I'd upload it here!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 11/2/08 LISTEN!
11/2/08: "Stayin' Alive" disco rhythm is ideal beat for CPR; Bee Gees lyrics compared to great literary works!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 11/9/08 LISTEN!
11/9/08: Astronomers record sounds of stars; most creative time of day is 10:04 p.m.!

[No 11/16/08 "Demented News" report]

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 11/23/08 LISTEN!
11/23/08: Vietnam lifts ban on small-busted drivers; Denmark artists create walking house!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 11/30/08 LISTEN!
11/30/08: At the mall during an economic crisis!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 12/7/08 LISTEN!
12/7/08: At Santa's Workshop during an economic crisis!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 12/14/08 LISTEN!
12/14/08: It's my "Christmas Cut-Up" from 2002!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 12/21/08 LISTEN!
12/21/08: It's my "Christmas Cut-Up" from 1985!

[No 12/28/08 "Demented News" report]

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 1/4/09 LISTEN!
1/4/09: Snake in computer printer; pre-chewed pencils for sale to students!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 1/11/09 LISTEN!
1/11/09: Man shoots fellow moviegoer for talking during film; Burger King selling meat-scented cologne!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 1/18/09 LISTEN!
1/18/09: Remembering a 2001 demented job market report!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 1/25/09 LISTEN!
1/25/09: Mexico's chewing gum epidemic; Romanian woman gets can of hairspray stuck in butt!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 2/1/09 LISTEN!
2/1/09: Lithuanian debt collector hires witch to hunt down delinquents; remembering the kilt-wearing debt collector!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 2/8/09 LISTEN!
2/8/09: Nigerian police hold goat for robbery; German fire station burns down!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 2/15/09 LISTEN!
2/15/09: Japan discovers gold in sewage; ghostly sightings at UK hospital!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 2/22/09 LISTEN!
2/22/09: Monty Python tune named top alternative funeral song in UK; Dutch philosophy student with stinky feet wins right to attend classes!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 3/1/09 LISTEN!
3/1/09: UK man arrested for whistling "Addams Family" theme to neighbors; Florida man called 911 over Burger King order!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 3/8/09 LISTEN!
3/8/09: Electric hamsters; skunk closes Pennsylvania library; mice infestation in Florida courthouse!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 3/15/09 LISTEN!
3/15/09: Kennedy Center pipe organ making embarrassing noises; casket auctions on the rise; Arthur Fonzarelli arrested!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 3/22/09 LISTEN!
3/22/09: Man refuses to remove clothes at Australian nudist party, causes riot; Liverpool motorist stopped for driving while laughing!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 3/29/09 LISTEN!
3/29/09: Quilter's Home magazine features nudity; Conch Shell Blowing Contest!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 4/5/09 LISTEN!
4/5/09: Cell phone obsession; text messages from plants; boob job special!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 4/12/09 LISTEN!
4/12/09: Studying the smells of outer space with Popsicle Phil; odor-free underwear on the International Space Station!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 4/19/09 LISTEN!
4/19/09: Colorado man has nail lodged in face for 30 years, doesn't know it; German man tries to shoplift 68 tubes of toothpaste in his clothing!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 4/26/09 LISTEN!
4/26/09: Croatian gardener attacked by drunken tennis player over noisy lawnmower; Welsh farmers' Extreme Sheepherding!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 5/3/09 LISTEN!
5/3/09: Prenatal MP3 player wraps around expectant mother's stomach; New Jersey thief steals frozen food!

[The 5/10/09 "Demented News" was pre-empted to make way for my 24th-annual summer movie adventure, "Keep On Trekkin'"!]

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 5/17/09 LISTEN!
5/17/09: Thieves steal all the road signs in a Pennsylvania township; How to speak Klingon!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 5/24/09 LISTEN!
5/24/09: China orders government workers to smoke; vandal covered in pudding and spray paint!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 5/31/09 LISTEN!
5/31/09: Tractor doubles as drum machine; robber uses concealed banana!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 6/7/09 LISTEN!
6/7/09: 250-pound, German prostitute shakes apartment building; Dallas couple find Cheeto that looks like Jesus!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 6/14/09 LISTEN!
6/14/09: Ohio inmates grow their own food; assault claim filed over unwanted high-five!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 6/21/09 LISTEN!
6/21/09: Vatican Radio goes commercial; Kentucky pastor invites congregation to bring guns to church!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 6/28/09 LISTEN!
6/28/09: Fox accused of stealing 100+ pairs of shoes from German town; Florida driver fails breathalyzer test and says car did not know what it was doing!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 7/5/09 LISTEN!
7/5/09: In a report from 1994, I try out my Safe and Insane fireworks!

[No 7/12/09 "Demented News" report]

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 7/19/09 LISTEN!
7/19/09: Chicago taxi driver uses spray deodorant to disarm passenger; Oregon woman arrested over rabbit obsession!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 7/26/09 LISTEN!
7/26/09: Remembering the bikini with UV alarm; women in bikinis score low on math tests!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 8/2/09 LISTEN!
8/2/09: NY woman posts to Twitter during bank hold-up; NH man charged 23 quadrillion dollars for pack of cigarettes!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 8/9/09 LISTEN!
8/9/09: Russian teen knocks out grandma with frying pan; UK man claims he has allergy to Wi-Fi waves!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 8/16/09 LISTEN!
8/16/09: IL man has eyewear fetish, steals glasses; PA woman plans to marry carnival ride!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 8/23/09 LISTEN!
8/23/09: Mouse builds nest inside ATM; "Naked News Korea" shuts down!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 8/30/09 LISTEN!
8/30/09: Mermaid sighting in Israel; Nigerian man plans to marry pillow!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 9/6/09 LISTEN!
9/6/09: Goodyear closes "World of Rubber" exhibit; pizza parlor employee uses beer can to thwart would-be robbers!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 9/13/09 LISTEN!
9/13/09: Florida woman attacks smoker with air freshener; "Star Trek" aftershave and perfume on sale!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 9/20/09 LISTEN!
9/20/09: Naked Bike Ride in Philly; bank robber asks teller for kiss!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 9/27/09 LISTEN!
9/27/09: MN man arrested for swearing in public; South African company says carrier pigeon delivers data faster than Internet provider!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 10/4/09 LISTEN!
10/4/09: Kangaroo terrorizes Australian offices; naked Austrian woman frightens construction workers!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 10/11/09 LISTEN!
10/11/09: TX man cited for gardening in the nude; OH teen uses Bible pages as rolling paper!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 10/18/09 LISTEN!
10/18/09: Lamp runs on human blood; how to avoid a zombie attack!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 10/25/09 LISTEN!
10/25/09: Halloween-themed wedding in PA with vampire bride and groom; lesson in trick-or-treating etiquette with a visit to Dr. Demento's house!

THIS WEEK'S "DEMENTED NEWS" -- 11/1/09 LISTEN!
11/2/09: Museum of decorated toilet seats in TX; police respond to WY woman frightened by cardboard cut-out of John Wayne!

[No 11/9/09 "Demented News" report]


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