Tuesday, 25 August

Spellbound,

Buster Newsome! I hadn't heard that name since; well, I believe I have never heard the name, but from the description in yours previous he seems quite a bit like the agile yet pesky Quentin Shoebler, whom you may recall spent a good many hours back at Beloved Old Femly following we upperclassmen about, hoping perhaps that some of what made us what we are would rub off. Poor chap... terrible it is to enter the world with such a poor set of parents, and more terrible still to enter the gates of Toadsome Hall thus. As I recall, after graduation (he did graduate, amazingly enough, and without the benefit of a staff of underclassmen from Burden U., across town, to attend to the exams and such), he enjoyed a gala career as a tumbler and trapeze artist, at least until the death of the television variety show in the mid-70s.  And where is friend Shoebler today? I think that is a question best asked of the so-called Buster Newsome. Try to take him alive, there's a good fellow.

I have been doing some studying vis the market: the numbers go up and down following the easily grasped pattern that after a time doing the one, they will shift to the other. The amusement and surprise afforded thus soon pale, and are soon replaced by a vague annoyance: why can't they hold still? Investments grow tiresome. Fortunately, my total holdings are of sufficient mass that regardless of the markets' direction, my value continues to increase. The reasons for this I do not fully understand, nor do I much care so long as it continues to hold true, but I am assured that it is all explained in Jameson Weider's tome "Quantum Investing."

An idea: as my wealth continues to increase with no sign of flagging, why can I not sell shares in my future? It seems like the safest of investments. Ordinary folk the world over will send me their money, which increases my value in the future, thus making their investment a success. And all my little investors can then deduct me as a dependent, since I will be depending upon them to supply me with continuing funds. It is in everybody's interest (forgive the pun) to make me even more ridiculously wealthy than I already am. Someday I hope to be able to relax and concern myself no longer with matters financial.

Yours,

Scat R. Branze

Letter the Current