Monday, 25 August
Geschautz:
I have had to give your cousin Frelny the sack. I knew it would come to this the day I met him but chose to ignore all the signs (the drooling, the damp spot on the trousers) and went ahead and hired him anyway. Oh what peace I'd have if I could just stop giving employment to your kinsmen! Let me give you give you a brief litany of his transgressions:
May 11: Found in the foyer doing something oral with that thing I keep on the end table.
May 30: Put in a false expense report for his trip into town, charging off a pack of gum to plug the hole in his boot.
June 19: While polishing silver with the upstairs maid, demanded she polish his "holy chalice." Scandal was the sum of that equation.
July 8: Found in the kennels attempting to become the so-called "alpha dog" in a most unusual manner.
July 15: Arrested in town on a variety of charges, the _least_ of which was public debauchery with a harlequin mask.
July 17: No sooner released from custody than he stole a horse belonging to the police. He galloped away at full speed but was apprehended when the horse stopped in full stride--as it apparently did by rote--in front of Wingler's Daylight Donut Shop. This threw Frelny through the air and landed him on a dung heap.
August 3: Back in my home, your cousin promised to embark on a period of good behavior. This lasted until four, at which time I found him chasing the gardener shouting the lewdest of suggestions. Call me old fashioned, but how one man could talk to another like that and mean it is still beyond my comprehension.
August 10: Apparently there was some manner of fluid transfer at the Baptismal Font in the Village Chapel. Although not apprehended at the scene, Frelny was seen nearby grinning in a guilty way. Consequent DNA tests have not yet returned from the lab, but the church elders are confident he will be fingered by their findings and have every intention--in spite of the teachings of their own Bible--to not turn the other cheek.
August 25: Today, I'm afraid, was the last straw. While sunning myself on the veranda reading sporadically from Caesar I noticed a queer odor coming from beneath the portico. I looked below and found Frelny huddled in a ball, sleeping like a badger might. I had Jibman bring a pole and we prodded him awake. He came out into the sunlight and we discovered he was covered in honey and bee stings. "What's the meaning of this, then?" I queried. "When's the last time you had a bath?" "New Year's," says he, "Of the year prior to last." Ye gads! And to think this man was doing work in my kitchen!
So there you have it. I've tossed another one of your no account relatives off the payroll. I've no doubt you'll dig up another one and have him/her show up at my gate with a letter of introduction from some upstanding member of a community somewhere and I, ever the fool, will take them into my employ only to regret it for every moment that thereupon ensues.
I remain yours,
Costly Overruns
Letter the Previous /
Letter the Next
|
|