Thursday, 23 April

Hambone,

That book of yours certainly sounds fascinating. My authority for reminiscences of those times and events is the old standby, I Was There Then, by Grilby Thringfitsch (as told to Marvin Arvin), radio sound-effects man from the mid-teens when radio and its needs were still mostly hypothetical, through to the early eighties when anachronistically he could only practice his craft on television, before sparse audiences of those mildly curious of such arcane matters.

My favorite passage is this:

"It was during the winter of nineteen twenty-five, or four, or was it thirty? Well, no matter, it was the year of that terrible blizzard, I'm sure you could look it up somewhere... I awoke behind the couch in the WOR lobby in New York as was my wont in those days, to find that the Empire State Building had been snowed in up to the third floor. Normally I would have paid scant attention, but I was working that day, for that week's episode of Descent into Mystery featuring Agent Y was to be broadcast at 11:26 that morning. I went to the studio (Studio C, as I recall; it's now part of a floor of offices that deal in land fraud or something) to find that none of the actors had shown up. And what was worse, the cold weather had frozen the pipes, causing a burst with attendant leakage just above the closet my equipment was stored in!  

"So there I was, alone but for an engineer (Gus, his name was, or was it Norbert -- lovely fellow) who was similarly stranded from the night before, and a table of soggy sodden sound effects, and an empty studio about to go on the air! You can imagine my consternation as the morning wore on.

"Mere seconds before airtime, the door burst open and a very young tall man entered, brushing snow from his overcoat. He was one of the newer players, I had seen him about; he quickly grasped the situation and signalled to me to take my place as he took his behind the giant ribbon microphone... and at 11:26 exactly the red light went on, and he proceeded to improvise the most amazing radio show ever attempted! Gus/Norbert never got a signal that the next show ("Mrs. Minnie's Happy-Go-Lucky Christian Radio Jam-Boree" as I recall) was ready to go, so we just kept going until 3:30pm, during which time our one actor portrayed Agent Y's greatest adventure, spanning the globe and meeting other such adventurers as Doc Certain, Archer Shadow, the Night-Rattler, and Bobby Small (whose alter-ego you will recall was The Mighty Brainio; it was touching scene involving Agent Y and Bobby, each unaware of who the other was, both played by our intrepid trouper). Abandoning my table of muck, I created sounds with a realism never heard on radio using only my mouth, my comb, my keychain, and divine inspiration.

"By 3:30 the streets had been cleared enough for broadcasting to return to normal. The show scheduled for that slot started on time. It was not until several months later I would be informed that the storm had knocked out the main transmitter the night before, and no one had heard what I still maintain was the greatest radio show of all time.

"And that young man went on to become one of the most most highly regarded talents in Hollywood. His name? Well, I don't recall it offhand, but I'm sure you could look it up somewhere."

Actually that's not my favorite passage, but it did catch my eye just now. It only goes to show that radio is the only truly civilized method of communication. Therefore please expect my next letter to arrive by carrier wave.

Sincereliously,

Burton Ernie

Letter the Current