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Viewpoint:
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Sept= ember 29, 2006 |
Volume 1, Number 1 |
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“We do not have the power to change others… we do have the power to change our relationship with self. = We can accept, embrace, forgive, have compassion for, and set boundaries with self and others. Learning to Love ourselves allows us to Love others in a healthy way.” - Robert Burney |
BoundariesOne
of my favorite subjects in junior high school was geography. My teacher w=
as
Mr. Grogan. Between Mr. Grogan and my dad, I learned to love maps and cou=
ld
look at them for hours. That’s how most of us first learn about
boundaries that divide countries or states. It was quite a discovery that=
the
boundary between Washington, D.C. where I lived, and We
are on our way to maturity when we learn about human boundaries, which are
just as real and powerful, just as invisible, and much less precise. Oh,
dear! There are no dotted l=
ines
to tell you where a person’s comfort zone is, or how much sharing or
interaction he or she is comfortable with and under what circumstances. H=
uman
boundaries take learning, observation, and sensitivity. We need to learn =
our own boundaries, and the boundar=
ies of
those we love and deal with. Another person’s boundaries may not al=
ways
be evident to us at first encounter. Sometimes we need to tell one another what our bound=
aries
are. The best marriages, friendships, and working arrangements are those
where individual boundaries are clear – not where partners or
colleagues merge into a single, indistinguishable unit. We need to remain sensitive so t=
hat we
give to each other the utmost respect which is, in fact, the greatest
Christ-like love for another. But
unlike countries, there are no hard and fast ways to know where a
person’s boundaries are – no psychological GPS, or flags that
say, “You can come this far and no further.” This means that sometimes we wil=
l make
mistakes about another person’s boundaries. We mean no harm, but we
intrude on what they feel to be their physical space, their psychological=
or
spiritual space, or into time they have set aside for a special purpose.
Sometimes people do not want to hear us talk on with |
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our
own self-referent stories. When they are clearly away from their professi=
onal
work-time, they do not want to be approached about work. We also need to =
be
forgiving – but give a clear message – when this happens to u=
s.
Developing healthy boundaries means being aware of roles and keeping them
separate – especially if we know a person in more than one capacity,
for example, as friend and co-worker, or staff and church member. Our Lau=
ra
is a good example. On Sunday, the Sabbath, she is not at work. She is at =
the
church to worship and feel the movement of the Spirit in community. Talk =
with
her about the preached message, the music, her pets, a good joke, or your
grandchildren … but not about the bulletin, the newsletter, a check
request, newspaper advertising, or arrangements for your next event at the
church. As
we grow in love and respect, and welcome new people into our church famil=
y, I
invite you into the deeply spiritual practice of “honoring
boundaries.” Remember=
that
Jesus knew how to protect his personal boundaries, and honor the boundari=
es
of others. Be aware of your own sense of discomfort if you feel your
boundaries are being crossed. Be clear, but gracious, about telling someo=
ne
how you are feeling, or when you need time by yourself. You do them a gre=
at
service by your honesty. Own your own feeling; do not blame them. By the =
same
token, rejoice when you are able to respect the boundaries of another per=
son.
It is our special and unique individuality which makes each of us a gift =
from
God. May
peace and grace fill your heart and home. Pastor Carol |
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First Congregational Church, United 650-369-0344 |
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